My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
