hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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