I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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