The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
