I swear she didn't look like that last week.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
