i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
