i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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