peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
