he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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