My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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