i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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