The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
