my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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