OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
