in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
