no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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