I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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