why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
