and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
