I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
