problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
