After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
