saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
