My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
