im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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