if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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