I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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