did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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