remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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