she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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