WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
