was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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