wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
