"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
