dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
