I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Let's get the cat blown out
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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