I want to have your abortion
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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