how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
