Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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