Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
