I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
