jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
