now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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