wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
