Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
