Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
