Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
