the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
