Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
