Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
