after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
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Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
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Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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