the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
