HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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